Are there Good Places to Make New Friends in the Tri-Cities?

FACETIOUS OPINION WARNING

Quick answer: no. Long answer: I guess, maybe.

The Tri-Cities is a great place to raise a family, have a job, and much more.  Though some folks, in particular those new to the area, may have a hard time finding someone to hang out with. Unfortunately for them, everyone has that problem and nobody really wants to take the time to trouble themselves with the annoying facets of their fellow human beings.

A lot of people say you can meet new friends at church.  I say this is the wrong way to start a good friendship.  A platonic coupling based on the church will only lead to more "shop talk."

For example:

Friend one: Hey, how about the sportsball team?

Church friend: I don't know, but do you think Hazel Walters really believes in (insert religious figure) and their teachings?

Friend one: Oh, Good Lord!

Church Friend: Exactly!

Others believe that the workplace is a good spot to find a buddy.  Again, incorrect. The people you work with have their place in your life and that, my friends, is AT WORK.  Why bring the shop to the bar? Besides, HR will find a problem with it somehow anyway. Beyond that, just imagine the uncomfortable feeling if you have a falling out, but still have to pretend to like them while on the clock. That idea is so taxing that I need a smoke break just thinking about it.

Well, how about at a bar? Yeah, sure. Go ahead and make friends with the one person who's a more desperate drunk than you.  That just sounds like a world of unnecessary problems.

Others suggest that you frequent a store, or shop that has to do with something you enjoy. For this example, we'll use the game shop. Look, just because you can handle your insufferable addiction to Magic: The Gathering does not mean you get to spread your infection to another, innocent soul. Besides, they're probably into Yu-Gi-Oh!, and that's just gross.

At this point you might be asking yourself: Why did Frank write such a negative, horrible, and reprehensible article?  I just want a new friend.

The answer is easy. Become a panhandler, latch on to some square, and follow them around until they become your friend, or call the cops on you.  Bam! Friendship! Enjoy!